NurtureHer

Pregnancy is a very special time in life, and it comes with many little and big surprises and joys. I will never forget the excitement and joy when I first felt my babies kick, when we found out the sex, and when we first heard our babies cry.

It can also come with many difficulties and discomforts. Pregnancy, birth, and postpartum are the most vulnerable and often most dangerous times in a woman’s life. Every mother risks her life to bring a child into the world. To make sure that this special time in her life is safe and comfortable, here are some things that your pregnant or newly postpartum partner should not be doing.

Reading all of the pregnancy books and articles: You should be doing that too. Is it also your baby? If your wife died or divorced you, would you have even partial custody? Then you also are responsible for educating yourself on childcare and infant care.

Meal-prepping: Many pregnant women take on the huge task of researching, planning, shopping for, and preparing pre-made nutritious meals for the postpartum period. They do this because they wisely anticipate that they will not be able to recover, care for their wounds, care for the baby, and also cook for you and herself every day multiple times per day. It’s true. She won’t be able to cook for you. She will, however, need high quality, tasty, and nutritious meals. You should be doing the postpartum meal prepping. It’s honestly the least you could do.

Nesting (alone).There is this thing that many pregnant women do when they near the end of their pregnancies. They get the understandable and wise urge to prepare for the arrival of the baby by deep cleaning and organizing. It makes sense to protect your baby from germs and filth.

However, women in the third trimester of pregnancy are understandably exhausted and in significant pain. While it is fine to let her do as much as she feels comfortable doing, you should be doing it too. You can dust and scrub the baseboards, change the bed-sheets, disinfect the bathroom, and wash and sort baby clothes into neat and organised drawers.

Do not let the love of your life do the worn out, stereotypical scrubbing of the floors on her hands and knees at nine months pregnant. That’s abusive, and it should stay in the 1950’s. If you wouldn’t expect to scrub floors and disinfect the bathroom right after you had run a marathon, don’t expect her to do it. If you get a whiff of this behavior from your beloved, you know it’s time to pull on your rubber gloves and get to work. Your partner can put her feet up and shop for cute baby clothes while you do the dirty work. Real men clean.

Going to every check up alone: You should definitely be there for a few, especially if she has asked you to be there. If you feel a bit nervous about taking an hour off of work on a week day, remember that depending on how many children you plan to have, this is a very temporary situation. Your wife or girlfriend will not be pregnant forever. The baby’s and your partner’s health, progress, and emotional well-being should be important enough to warrant at least one or two scheduling shifts. If this is absolutely impossible, unless lives depend on your work, consider that this job will not become more accommodating once you have a recovering partner at home and a baby who both need you. If that is the case, a job change would make sense.

Doing the majority of the housework: A pregnant woman is experiencing a medical condition called pregnancy. It is comparable to running a 40 week marathon. No matter how demanding your job is, you are not running a 40 week marathon on top of it. And if you also live with her, it is your home too. That work is your work too.

Doing all of the baby gear research: You should be doing this too. If you have a vehicle, you will need a safe car seat. If you don’t plan to bed share, you need a safe crib. You will need places to safely set the baby down on his own for a few minutes while you use the bathroom or make some food. Not every product on the market is safe. Finding the best options in your budget takes an enormous amount of time and online researching. You can take on part of that task.

Cooking and cleaning in the first six weeks postpartum: Just no. Nobody should even have to explain why. This is also abusive. If you would not expect to cook, clean, and entertain her relatives right after you have had a major surgery, then you have no right to expect your soul mate and the mother of your child to do that.

Setting boundaries with your family members: Your family is your own circus and your relatives are your monkeys to handle. Birth leaves women drained and vulnerable and overwhelmed. She is recovering. She is learning how to care for a newborn. She is more tired than she has ever been in her life. She is possibly learning how to breastfeed. She doesn’t need to be the one to tell your mother that she cannot show up unannounced at 9 am on a Sunday because she wants to see her grand-baby. That conversation is yours.

Getting up with the baby all night: Once again, your beloved is recovering from running a 40 week marathon, hours or days of hard, excruciating labor, and now has a dinner plate sized open wound in her abdomen, at the very least. She may also be breastfeeding, which is work in itself because it requires physical energy and consumes large amounts of time. Physical recovery requires sleep. You are not recovering from pregnancy and birth. You are not breastfeeding and on call 168 hours a week.

But you have to work, you say? Good point. Being tired could cause you to make mistakes, and maybe lives even depend on you. Taking care of a newborn is work. People pay for childcare because it is work, not a hobby. Your baby’s life depends on the quality of care that her mother gives her while you are at work. That argument goes both ways. You will both have to be tired together for a while so that she isn’t so tired that she cannot function. Fair is fair.

Trying to convince you to do your fair share: Just do it. Just be the partner that you promised her you would be when you said your vows. In sickness and in health.

Presumably, you have two eyes, two hands, and critical thinking skills. You know what needs to be done. Yes, you can also see the crumbs on the counter-top and the dishes in the sink, the dirt on the floors, and the dirty laundry in the hamper. Literally nobody believes the stupid saying that men don’t see messes. We know you do.

I will let you in on a secret. Women don’t like cleaning either. We are not better at it. We just do it. Don’t make her have to ask, remind, make lists, argue, and finally break down sobbing to you because you feel your free time is worth more than her health.

In conclusion, there are so many ways to support and care for your partner during and after pregnancy. It truly is a beautiful and precious time. Sadly, for many women, their partner’s ignorance or unwillingness to provide adequate support robs them of the joy and opportunity to physically and emotionally recover. A positive postpartum and pregnancy experience with good support is the greatest prevention against postpartum depression and long term health problems for women following pregnancy and birth. Supporting and nurturing your partner directly adds to the quality of your baby’s care and life. All of this together combines to create more positive, healthy, and happy relationships for you and your family. I know you are going to give it your all and be the best dad and partner you can be. I believe in you.