NurtureHer

The Importance of Supporting New Mothers: Beyond Material Gifts

When I think about what I wanted most as a new mom, the first thing that comes to mind is sleep. The second thing is good, hot food. And the third is sleep.

Of course there are so many beautiful and useful gifts on the market for new parents and babies. Everyone loves shopping for cute baby clothes, impossibly soft baby blankets, and adorable little toys. There are lots of really helpful products that make recovery a bit easier and more comfortable for mothers as well. And I am sure that all of those things make great gifts.

I certainly cherish the crocheted baby blankets and beautiful little outfits and toys that were gifted to my children upon their birth. And we certainly did need the crib, the changing table, the baby swing, and the car seat that were all gifted to us.

However, in my experience, what new mothers really need is not a product. What we need most is the gift of your time, your service, and your full support, respect, and cooperation. What we need is for somebody in our lives to put us first, because we cannot look after ourselves, and because our recovery and well-being is as important as the baby’s.

I had my first child in 2016, and since then I have watched many of my friends become pregnant, and some of them give birth while others experienced losses. In every one of these situations, what has consistently disappointed me is how much pressure is put on these women to keep on performing physical, mental, and emotional labor for everyone else around them while they are suffering silently.

What I mean by someone who will put us first, is that someone will look past the new baby, look past the pastel pink and blue gifts, past the coffee and cake and passing the baby around to admire. Those are all great, but there is a person behind it all who is bleeding, tired, hungry and thirsty, in pain, and possibly seriously injured. And that person might also be feeling very left behind and unappreciated.

A new mom needs you to refill her water bottle because breastfeeding makes her so thirsty. And while you are up, bring her a snack, because she is starving. If she lets you hold the baby, do it while she is eating a hot meal or lying down for a rest, not while she sits anxiously at the edge of her seat waiting for you to give the baby back.

A new mom needs you to wash up the dishes or put in a load of laundry or make the beds without asking or judging. And if she really isn’t comfortable with you doing her housework (which is totally valid and normal) then make sure to encourage her partner to keep up with it! Think of how often women are told to do more and how often men are told to do more housework.

What new moms need is for you to not expect her to get out of bed and get dressed to entertain you. She needs you to bring her nutritious food to encourage her healing, not to be invited to come over for dinner right at baby’s bedtime.

What new mothers really need and want is a community of people who will look after her physical and emotional needs in a time of vulnerability, massive change, and physical recovery. It is no longer okay to go to a woman’s hospital room or home the same day or a few days after she has had a baby and expect her to do anything at all for you including allowing you to hold her very delicate and vulnerable newborn.

What new moms need is to feel no obligation at all to send thank you or announcement cards unless she wants to. She should feel no obligation or pressure to let anyone touch her baby unless she offers. Nobody should feel they have any right to deny giving that baby back the second mom looks like she wants him.

Under no circumstances should a newly postpartum woman be cooking for you, serving you coffee, covering up her body for your comfort, keeping the baby or herself awake for your entertainment or getting out of bed at all until she feels ready.

No postpartum woman wants to be up washing dishes after you came over for just a quick look and you didn’t offer to clean up after yourself. No woman should be lifting baskets of dirty laundry or spending her only nap opportunity cleaning the floors or folding clothes.

Postpartum women need to not have to argue with family members and friends to defend her boundaries and parenting choices. She will not do things the way you do all of the time. What women need is for you to accept that.

They need husbands and partners who already know what needs done in the home and for the baby and what to pick up from the grocery store without being given a list because they already educated themselves and participated in life before the baby was born.

Women need friends who will not have ridiculously unreal expectations of going out for drinks to catch up when she hasn’t slept a full night in six months and her baby has no other food source than her breasts. She doesn’t need to be invited to your child-free wedding when she had a baby three weeks ago and she is still leaking milk into the fancy dress that doesn’t fit.

What postpartum women really need and want most is a community of friends, family, and partners who educate themselves on her needs, anticipate her needs, and remember that she is a person of value too. What we need is a world where we no longer pretend that once a woman has a child she has no more value or rights to care.

Women need paid maternity leave and we need paid paternity leave for at least a year! Women need more than one checkup six weeks after birth. We need doctors and public in general who are educated in the signs of postpartum depression. We need a culture who sees mothers as human beings who have just done something incredible and necessary to the survival of human civilization rather than baby vessels.

If we aren’t willing to give women that, then we don’t deserve cute thank you cards, cupcakes, invitations to visit, or to hold her baby. If you don’t feel prepared to support a new mother by helping meet her most basic human needs, then just drop the gift at the door and leave.