NurtureHer

How and Why You Should Rethink this Holiday

In my opinion, Thanksgiving is the ultimate family holiday. The whole point is to show gratitude and enjoy what you have, usually centering family and friends as our greatest blessings. It is a whole day to celebrate the people who make our lives special, and I think the work of preparing for a family or communal meal is an ancient and uniquely human way to show that we care about one another. We share the work, we share the food, and we share time together.

However, I will tell you a secret. This is what the women in your life won’t tell you. Thanksgiving is kind of the poster Holiday for domestic labor inequality. It’s the ultimate example of who bears the mental load and the lion’s share of domestic labor and who doesn’t.

In recent history, the burden and work of preparing for Thanksgiving has fallen heavier on the shoulders of women. It’s not just that women do most of the cooking and cleaning and decorating for thanksgiving, but there is also the menu planning, accomodating preferences and food sensitivities, communicating and coordinating with family members and guests, shopping, entertaining and parenting children, and managing the more… delicate familial relationships.

It wasn’t like that in your family? I believe you. But we would be in denial if we didn’t all aknowledge that this cliche of mom in the kitchen and dad screaming at the TV on Thanksgiving comes from a good sized kernal of truth. Women and girls are socialized and taught to do this sort of work so early and efficiently, that we usually don’t even notice it’s happening. And boys and men, in turn, are shewed out of the kitchen to play outside or drink a beer in the garage. This sort of socialization is so deeply engrained that it’s like the air we breathe. We just don’t notice it.

Still, that doesn’t sound like teamwork to me, and I think we all know that isn’t going to cut it in 2024. If you are reading this, then I know that you know that we can do better.

This year, you can make sure that the women you love get a chance to relax and enjoy some quality family time. And in exchange, let’s give men the chance to fully participate in a holiday that is all about appreciating one another through sharing our bounty.

So, without further ado, here is a dad’s guide to planning and executing an amazing Thanksgiving:

1. Start with the guest list, or get in contact with the host

If you are hosting, talk to your partner about how many guests you’re comfortable hosting this year, especially with a new baby in the house. But let’s be real. You probably aren’t hosting.

Hosting is a lot of work, so if you aren’t up for it, there is no shame in that! Find out who is hosting this year, and ask what you can do to help. If you don’t think you will be able to help with setting up or prep work, ask if you can bring a side dish. (And then do actually prepare it.)

Another way to help is by reaching out to family and friends, keeping track of RSVPs, and keeping track of who is bringing what.

If baby is still a newborn and you aren’t comfortable taking risks with things like RSV, flu, or COVID, then a cozy gathering with just you and your partner may be ideal, allowing both of you to relax and enjoy time as a new family. That is absolutely a good and valid decision.

2. Build the Menu Together

Collaborate with your partner or the host on the menu. Decide on the essentials like turkey and stuffing, then add a few sides or desserts you’d both enjoy making (or eating!).

Ask guests if they’d like to contribute a dish, and coordinate to avoid duplicates. This reduces the work for you both and adds a fun, communal feel to the meal.

3. Make a Shopping List and Divide Tasks

Write out a shopping list together, separating non-perishable and perishable items.

Offer to handle some or all of the shopping yourself, or split it up over a few days to avoid last-minute stress.

Just a little tip from a former grocery store cashier: do not wait until the day before Thanksgiving (or even the morning of) to buy your ingredients! It is always a mad house.

Consider getting perishable ingredients (like fresh veggies and herbs) 2 days before, so they’re ready to go without crowding the fridge.

4. Prep a Timeline for the Big Day

Thanksgiving involves a lot of multitasking, so make a schedule that outlines cooking times for each dish.

Any foods that freeze well can be made even a week ahead of time (so, this week).

Share oven space wisely by deciding which dishes can be cooked or reheated together.

Plan to tackle time-consuming dishes early, so you both have time to enjoy the day without feeling rushed.

5. Do Some Pre-Thanksgiving Prep

Suggest working together the day before to prep as much as possible: chopping veggies, brining the turkey, or baking desserts.

Offer to set the table the night before too, so there’s one less thing to worry about on the day. You could even add some decorations to set the mood!

Don’t forget that if you are hosting, cleaning is going to be a big and time consuming chore. It might be a good idea to enlist help or even hire a cleaner to deep clean a day or two before the Holiday.

6. Step Up on Cooking Day

Take the lead on some dishes, giving your partner the chance to rest or spend time with family. Just remember to communicate. Nobody wants to be bombarded last minute with an unexperienced cook getting in the way. Make sure you offer to do what you are already good at, and make sure that the main cook knows you plan to help out. Too many cooks in the kitchen can be really stressful.

If you are not experienced with cooking, there are lots of other ways to help out, like entertaining guests and kids,  cleaning, or taking charge of organizing the group chat. Even just pouring a glass of wine (or cider for pregnant or nursing mothers) for your partner, putting on some good music, and keeping the mood light is an important job.

Have a plan to keep babies and kids entertained with toys or a nap while the two of you work in the kitchen. It is totally okay to relax screen time rules on a big day, as long as you communicate expectations to avoid a disagreement when stress is already high.

If the turkey’s your responsibility, start early, as it’s usually the star of the meal and takes the longest to cook. Most people start the prep the day before. And remember that a frozen bird takes a whole day to thaw!

7. Team Up on Cleanup

Thanksgiving cleanup is a big job—one that’s easier when everyone pitches in. Enlist older family members to help out, or see if any guests are willing to lend a hand. Even the youngest family members can help out by putting cutlery in the dishwasher or sweeping up crumbs from under the table.

Set up a dishwashing station or have disposable containers ready for any leftovers.

Remind everyone (in a friendly way!) that with a little teamwork, everyone can enjoy the evening stress-free.

Sure, the game might be starting, but it shows a lot of love to priorize being a good partner and making sure that everyone gets to relax.

8. Remember to Soak Up the Moments Together

With a new baby in the family, this Thanksgiving is extra special. Step back from the kitchen when you can, take a few photos, and enjoy the day as a family.

There will surely be some tense moments on such a work-heavy holiday, but try to have patience and remember that it’s you and your family against the problems, not you and your family against each other. You are a team, and there is no better time to walk the walk than on Thanksgiving.

Sit down for a moment to reflect on all you’re thankful for, and celebrate the day’s accomplishments with your partner. You’ve been through a lot this year, and you did it together.

This Thanksgiving, teamwork is key. By taking on the holiday together, you’re not only making it a day of gratitude and togetherness for everyone—you’re also showing your partner that you’re ready to share the load. With some planning, collaboration, and humor, you’ll create a Thanksgiving your family will always remember.